“The knife hit the bone and kicked back into Bob’s face,” a relative stated to the local news. “Kind of like a chainsaw hitting a knot in the wood.”

When questioned how a one-sided blade could fly up and damage the wounded man, the family had no further comment. As anyone who has used an electric knife knows, the serrated blade faces away from the carver to prevent such an injury. A chainsaw, with its looping teeth and chain, has no such built in protection.

However, an eyewitness told this reporter that the deep fried carcass stood up on his drumsticks and kicked the buzzing device into the man’s face. The witness wishes to remain anonymous in deference to the family and possible further persecution to her winged race. Only adding, "I thought humans were supposed to be smarter than that."

The Chronicle is dedicated to the safety and welfare of all of its readers and will keep the public informed of any other life-threatening situations.

To the Editor:
I completely agree with Pastor Hickson’s urging that Christians cease to celebrate Halloween. As I am most likely the county’s only pagan, I’d like my holiday back. I’m tired of handing out mini-Snickers and Reese’s cups to little kids who come panhandling dressed as football players, fairy princesses, and Wolverine. It makes a mockery of what the Druid beliefs stand for: long beards and white robes.

For the last few years, if Halloween is on a weekday, then the trick or treating is on the Saturday before. So its not like the day of Halloween itself is revered or celebrated, just the nearest convenient weekend. So I propose we change the celebration of Halloween or the Fall Festivities to the last Saturday of the month leaving Halloween for the true believers. In fact let’s rename it to Costume and Candy Day to keep with alliteration (Trick or Treat to be banned.) In addition, could Devil’s Night (Oct 30) get moved to sometime in August as we are lacking a holiday in that month?

As for the Biblical references, Christians, listen to this wise man and stop celebrating a holiday that has nothing to do with your God. Stop celebrating Christmas as well since it is the Winter Solstice festival taken from pagan ritual with the addition of the baby Jesus because New Years festivals had a baby in them symbolizing rebirth. In addition, Easter is our spring festival where the rabbits are for reproduction and eggs are for fertility. And nobody wants outsiders teaching their kids about sex.

So Christians, please quit using our most important holidays to celebrate the life and death of a person so important to your religion. Find your own special days to get together with friends and families to honor Christ. And keep in mind, Saturdays are better for sending your kids to beg for candy dressed as cartoon characters because you don’t have to worry about them making themselves sick on treats, egging cars, and cleaning up toilet paper. You have a whole other weekend day to deal with that!

And to the Satanists, the holiday was ours before your dark lord decided to co-opt it and call it Black Sabbath, so back off! Rumble at midnight in the cemetery! Our peaceful group is going to kick some satanic a-- oh, sorry. Forgot this is a family paper.

- Nikki Vigil

This measure backfired. The police and Special Forces teams dispatched the gluttonous savages with a minimum of force and firepower, forcing them into a contained area before capturing them and sending them off to be studied. As specimens, they will contribute to a society they have fed off of for years without aiding in the least. And next year’s roses are predicted to be even more beautiful than this year’s crop.

Chalk it up to a lot of late night TV but vampires seem to have one obsession besides the sucking of human blood. Anime. Anime or Japanimation as it was originally tagged when it hit the states has grown in popularity over the past decade due, in large part, to the onslaught of Saturday morning anime. This lead to importation of more adult shows shown late night on some cable stations.

Which is where the vampires may have gotten their first taste of this media. With the sweetness still burning in their mouths, the undead bloodsucker's hunger grew, finally sated by the Annual Anime Convention held here in Bluff City starting this year.

Peeved by the sudden surgence of Goths stealing their unique sense of style, the vampire struck out, changing their appearance to blend in with cosplayers who, like them, wished to express their love for anime through imitation. The vampires caused no real disturbance at the convention preferring to pose for pictures rather than attacking posers at random.

There are, however, always crashers who want to break up a good party. A group of vampires dressed as pirates decided to attack a group of vampires dressed as ninjas and thus a rumble ensued. The well-trained if somewhat tyrannical security guards ejected the offenders and barred them from returning. So the first meeting of Pirates vs. Ninjas ended in shame and dishonor.

The convention continued without a hitch and the attendees, the vampires included, left a whole lot poorer but excited at the prospect of next year's con.

Wrestling fans need only tune into the local news to see a popular mat slammer's bretheren doing good for the Bluff City community. Two carjackings, a robbery, and three muggings are only a few things these stars of the ring have stopped in order to aid and protect their community. The BCC will continue to provide updates on this sensational new development.

But our recent raid on the old shaft revealed a very different story: Leprechauns. As any scholar of Bluff City history knows, several thousand Irish immigrated here from Ireland during the Great Potato Famine, looking for a new start. But they were not alone.

Inside the immigrant’s meager luggage faerie folk, known more familiarly as Leprechauns, hid. They were on a quest. A quest for the riches rumored to be buried deep in the shafts of Wendigo Bluff. Deeper than any human could reach.

Speckles of gold dust shimmered on the walls of the shaft we entered. Though it was only pyrite, Fool’s Gold, as one delved deeper and deeper into the chill of the mine, one could smell the gunpowder. Creatures lurk in the shadows still digging. But for what?

Geological studies in the area indicate the mines are played out. Anything worth having must be gone. So in that knowledge lays an ulterior motive.

Perhaps the archaic faeries have heard of the struggle of their human countrymen and are trying to raise awareness here. Perhaps the digging continues but now there is a reason for the continued raising of wealth beyond greed. Maybe the little buggers have decided to branch out into terrorism, starting in Bluff City, a place where an IRA attack would be least suspected.

This reporter is dedicated to keeping the public apprised of any changes.

Bushi – the warriors of New Edo.

Tales – stories.

Bushi Tales – new comic by Dave Beaty and Lin Workman chronicling the deeds and triumphs of the Bushi in31st century New Edo.

Want more info? Go to www.bushitales.com

I’m busy writing a review of Bushi Tales #1. And really, all I have to say is, “So what happens next?”

Bushi Tales #1 takes place in 31st century earth after a knock-down, drag out fight between the gods of old and the immortals which basically turned the beloved green and blue orb into a DMZ. This sets up the story, the story of the Bushido as they protect New Edo, the last habitable city on Earth.

They are Hachiman’s (Japanese god of War) warriors, most trained from infancy to protect and defend the last remnants of civilization.

Chozen, once Hachiman’s most trusted advisor, has become the enemy. Banishment to the deadlands is only the beginning. He knows the truth and his destiny is to expose it, all in due time.

And that is all in the first couple of pages. Then the action really picks up with a squad of Bushi hunting a Cyclops and his wolf companions. After a massacre ends the lives of most of the squad, the hunt continues with more vigor leading to, well, I don’t know yet. This is just the first issue.

The hard copy has a gorgeous color cover and the b&w panels inside are breathtaking. Only fine talent can tell a story in monochromatic and the shades set a desperate mood. Color copies are available for download on the website.

And there is a bonus story with illustrations, that’s right, a story with illustrations at the end. And it’s a doozy. I won’t spoil it for you. For $4, you get action, suspense, great characterizations, and conflict. Hell, a lot of more well known comics deliver much less for more money.

So go to the site, pick up a copy (or download it) and enjoy!

Or so the national health committees want us to believe. For years patients have been encouraged to get flu shots for the last 10 years and each year the suggestion gets a little stronger. Why?

Word on Internet conspiracy sights point to the use of a potent influenza strain as a biological weapon. But this reporter dug deeper for the truth. The new strain, identified only as Z-B5, is a mutation of the flu virus with unknown origins. One thing has been confirmed, the outcome. Sufferers of this non-lethal but still very dangerous drug turn into zombies.

That’s right, zombies, those walking shells of loved ones controlled by a hidden master to be used as mindless slaves. Only, who is the master? Some conspiracies point to government involvement. I would agree but such blatant disregard for public safety seems just a tad too irresponsible.

No. I say this conspiracy lies in the region of the supernatural bloodsuckers, those vampires that have wormed their way into every facet of existence. This reporter intends to keep a close eye on those malevolent undead fiends whose violent rise to power started in the criminal underworld and stretched tentacles into legitimate enterprise as well.

The pastor is a werewolf. So, apparently it is okay within the church to be a wolf in clergy clothing as long as you are not a werewolf in clergy clothing.

Recently the church came under fire as several of its clergy and high-ranking members were found taking part in an International Pedophile scheme. As reported on the news and in local papers, several church leaders were found to be molesting their newly adopted foreign sons. None of these leaders have been dismissed.

In a possible effort to avoid further scandal, the church has dismissed the only leader in their church not associated with the above case. The BCC plans to keep the public informed of this lycanthrope injustice.

LEAVE THE HUNTING TO THE PROFESSIONALS!

The Bluff City Chronicle knows of several well-established hunting groups and can direct those with serious inquiries in that direction. If you truly have a supernatural problem contact the Chronicle with your complaint and we will direct it to the proper agency.

Of course, there is the possibility that the local yeti is stalking Ms. Standford, who is headlining at The Jiggle Joint Downtown. But the lack of police activity on this as well as the absence of any court records leads the BCC to believe that the two local celebrities are, in fact lovers.

The BCC will keep the public apprised of this situation.

KING TUT'S TOMB REVISITED?

Sources have told this writer that curses have befallen the men responsible for disturbing the mummy's grave. While none have actually dropped dead yet, many have suffered from inexplicable rashes that the local doctors called mystifying . In an effort to squelch rumors of the mummy's revenge, authorities attribute the breakouts they classified as mild to unfortunate run-ins with poison sumac, the more infectious of the poison ivy family. If this is true, why has a call been put in to the CDC and why have local businesses order more cases of oatmeal bath and calamine lotion?

The BCC intends to stay on top of this breaking story.

But last night a professor at one of the local colleges found out it wasn’t the Holy Bible that came to his rescue; it was an Introduction to Calculus book that warded off the blood-sucking demon. According to “Marlin Hatch”, associate professor in the Mathematics Department at BCU, he was grading mid-terms until after midnight in his office when the attack occurred. At first he thought the flapping at his window was no more than a bird seeking shelter for the night. When he went to investigate, however, he noticed a man standing on the roof directly adjacent to his window.

At first Prof. “Hatch,” who teaches two calculus sections along with several programming classes, thought the man might be a student playing a prank.

“It’s not that unusual,” commented one of the school’s custodians, “Fraternities and sororities have pledges doing all sorts of goofy things during ‘Pledge Week’.”

Not surprisingly, Prof. “Hatch” believed the man to be a student involved in a “rush” duty. As any local can tell you, all of the colleges have special days set aside for the Greek activities to fulfill a pledge’s quota.

Prof. “Hatch”, however, was not amused by the man’s presence. He opened the window to say something to the student, and that was his first mistake.

“Apparently,” Prof. “Hatch” later quipped to a reliable source, “An open window is an invitation.”

Then, according to the same source, the professor said the man flew at him with incredible speed. Naturally, the professor was frozen in terror as the man came at him, mouth open, fangs bared.

Professor “Hatch” then grabbed the nearest object he could find, no doubt to use it to defend himself. According to the source, the professor was amazed that the vampire hesitated, momentarily unsure of what to do. Then “Hatch” noticed the object he grabbed. It was the teaching manual for one of his calculus sections.

Prof. “Hatch” found it odd that the vampire seemed put off by the book since the only ones usually put off by calculus were students. So he decided to experiment. He began to yell out proofs to the vampire. Word by word, inch by inch, the vampire backed up until, finally, it flew off in the night.

When asked why he thought the calculus book worked so well, the professor only said, “I guess the vampire found the idea of math so repulsive in life that it followed him into death.”